christina called me from taiwan, during a TYPHOON. she might be stuck in taiwan for another 2 weeks because of the recent attacks on america ... why that means she might miss school and ... and... all those beginning of the year festivities. i need my glaskat fix too. j.k. cheesy... i miss u gurl, but you know ... i see you online so much and with your sweet calls/msgs ... it's like you've never left.
and it's also you, cheesychix, that i blame for the ensuing posts... i'm just rambling on and on like there's no tomorrow. but don't take offense to that cuz i LOVE reading ur blogs.
i've been pensive. about a bazillion thoughts cross my mind in a fraction of a second.
i’m currently thinking about my blog, and how a lot of times I can't really write what I want to say, for one reason or another. i imagine mostly out of fear. and what does milly do best when she's scared? runs away... i want to take a break from blogging. BUT, it seems that everytime I that, I seem to have even more to say. so I guess I really shouldn't take a break and just blah blah blah ... ready? here we go:
today I went to IKEA, and I had me a hot dog. not just ANY hot dog, but a JUMBO hot dog. Now I don’t know how many of you know that IKEA sells hotdogs, and I dont know why, but it was HELLA good. I don’t know if I was just hungry or what, but i there was, just having my Hot Dog and some drink that was supposed to be from Sweden. wanted to buy me a bag of swedish meatballs for less than 3 bucks- cheap! but then i didn't. hmmm....
what else? yesterday i took one of my best friends out to lunch (HAPPY BIRTHDAY Tiffy!) and after i dropped her off, I did something I hadn’t done for what seemed like years. I drove up to my old High School located up in the hills… and i drove to a whole lot of scenic points, trying to find a good thinking spot, and they were all closed. This wasn’t a BAD thing tho, cuz it forced me to drive around the hills a lot. it was like 1:30 in the afternoon, but it was just foggy as hell up in the hills. Like if i were in davis, and it was hazy, it would be because it was dirt kicked up in the air. And it dawned on me, i think i’ve been in davis too damm long. my first three years away from college, I came home practically every weekend. and almost every weekend i would drive up to the hills and i would just look out at the view, and look forward to coming back to the bay someday.
i’ll be starting my 8th year living in davis - has it been THAT LONG? yeah ok soooo.... moving on ...
I’ve been going through a rollercoaster of emotions, but the one that strikes me (whats the word I’m looking for?) well just sticks out. (try to figure that one out cuz i can't seem to figure out what i'm trying to say) ... but like i'll just keep typing hoping some sense will come out of this -- not 1, not 2, but hella/a mass of people have said to me, “I haven’t seen you like this in a long time.” and by “this” they mean happy. and if you’ve kept up with the last few years of my life, you would know that I haven’t really had much to be happy about. But I kept going. Its like I laughed- no its more like I knew that the “dips” would pass and I’ll have my moments of stability and peace. but there came moments where I felt like each dip fell further and further down past below the previous dips. and at some point I was like, "WILL I hit rock bottom ALREADY?" because I felt like I couldn’t take anymore. and you know once you hit rock bottom, there's no where left to go, but up, right?
hmmm... what else? I guess I’m still in a thinking mode, but I cant seem to solidify all these abstract thoughts I’m having. and I guess lately my thoughts have been scattered, kinda random. and here I am, just babbling and sputtering whatever thought comes to mind, in hopes that I’ll arrive to some coherent conclusion? or I’m trying to put pieces together, so I can hopefully fill in missing pieces and see the big picture I’m supposed to see. i hope there's a point to this...
man, if you read this far… I so congratulate you cuz I have NO clue where I’m going with this. I don’t even know what started all this… well maybe I do, but I’m too scared to say what it is.
[thought process #1]
i want a house- no, not a house… I want a home to call my own. I want to fill it with everything that I’ve ever desired. I want to fill it with memories I never want to forget.
I want a car, an expensive one, an expensive but GOOD one; I don’t want just one… I want several. Maybe not all at once, but at least 2 maybe 3 at a time. hey that wouldn’t be so bad.
I want to know what its like to get my hair done every week, I want to be pampered.. have pedicures *and* manicures.
I want to have enough clothes, so that every spring cleaning I can donate closets worth to goodwill, and not miss it.
I want fresh herbs growing on the windowsill in my kitchen, and every spice known to man in cute little bottles, in the spice rack. I want that $2000 plus cookware set that I saw a year ago, at a private demo.
I want to have access to a private jet, so that I can go to Vegas for a whim, put a grand or so on the craps tables, or roulette, and win or lose, I walk away… no regrets.
[change in thought process #2]
Its not fair, that I got a new car my senior year in High school, and its not fair that I got another new car, in my senior year of college.
Its not fair that I have no debts to repay, that I spend less than what I make, and have money leftover to save, and to spend on others.
Its not fair that I think that I’m used to a "hard" life, not really caring if i got more than the bare minimum. just the simple things was all i needed in being content. and now I have more than I thought was possible. Even tho in reality, this more is really very little.
I don’t like to think that I’m superficial, or materialistic, or ungrateful. and I hate to compare, but I cant help it. like, I’m grateful for many things but I cant help wanting more.
[change in thought process #3]
Its just not good enough that I only, had a HS gpa of 3.8, because I never got that 4.0… not even once. no scholarships to college ... even tho' i tried.
Its not good enough that I graduated from a UC with a practical degree because I didn’t get even the lowest of honors to make my parents' proud. Its not good enough, that I took courses that I wanted to take… because half the time I was asleep and it took me 5 years to graduate, not 3 and a half like i originally set out to do.
Its not good enough that it took me 2 weeks to get my act together which got me accepted into a graduate school for my credential, and that I finished the program with a 3.9 in less than a year. It wasn’t good enough, because I wasn’t working 40 hours a week and raising a family like those of my peers. its simply not good enough, because I don’t have my credential cuz i'm one test short.
despite my negative view towards my past accomplishments/failures (depending of if I’m in a good mood or a bad mood is how i see it) I’m more happy now than I have been in a long… long time. because now I can dream again, even with all the (material) things that I just dreamt that I want, there is one thing that I want more than anything. and once i find the words to express what it is, i'll think about sharing it with you. *wink*
for now... yeah, that's it. i'm feeling confident and motivated again-- like there's nothing i can't do. and i just want to take advantage of this surge of energy i've got. *smile* i guess this random babbling has brought me to some feasible point after all. thanks for reading. give urself a pat on the back if you've got this far.
had dinner with the family this weekend; and jeremy had to the restroom at the restaurant. and so i say to my brother:
What's the difference between a boy and a girl?
he gives me a blank look. and so i try again,
You're a boy and i'm a girl, right?
He nods in agreement.
Then what's the difference between you and me?
Well, I'm "tight" and girls are "pretty."
ok, then why are there girl bathrooms and boy bathrooms?
so it covers their privates.
are you a boy or are you a man?
a boy.
is dad a boy or a man?
a man.
i say, Huh? what's the difference?
dad's got whiskers and i don't.
again, it goes to show that my 9 year old bro is a CUTE genious!
to bitch or not to bitch, that's my dilemma for today. it's saturday, isn't it?
anyways, last night i went to MZ's bonfire and caught up with Erick (*hi hi what's up OG?) ... definitely a nice surprise, and especially for Aris- the main attraction, no diggity, no doubt. but yeah...
homey says to me that night, "now this is the happy milly."
"what's that suppose mean??"
"i haven't seen you happy in ... the last time ..." (say it already) "it's been at least a year since i've seen you like this."
has it? no, really?
i know i've got something to say about that, but i dunno what. it just kinda sorta stuck out in my head.
ho-hum. guess i really didn't have anything to bitch about after all. well, i do.. but i think i'll keep this one to myself.
sorry for the random rambling, thoughts are scattered lately - but um yeah, on the drive down last night, i saw flags hung on the overpasses, and people cheering. it was an overwhelming feeling of pride and for the USA. it was cool, but kinda strange too... it was too movie-like, yet ... damm, this is real.
guess that's it.
oh and i guess i should tell you all that i love you (well, maybe just to the ones i know ... ok, the ones i'm close to at least ... no maybe just the ones that love me too ...) ... i really do. if i don't say it enough... thanks for being there, ecetera, ecetera... yeah, i'm not feeling sentimental enough ... but just had to get that out.
aiight... i know my ass should be asleep cuz i'll be paying for it tomorrow, but i just can't sleep. it's like i got hella shit i wanna spit out, but like wtf? all i got are cuss words. what's up with that, yo.
so last night i cut denise's hair, and dyed will, rox, and my hair. the pictures didn't turn out well ... but um, here you go:
all in a night's work, i guess. would you like me to experiment with style your hair today?
things are cool with the family again, *grin* happy happy joy joy.
brother asks, "what movie did you see?"
"the musketeer"
"a cartoon?"
"no. it's not a cartoon sweetie."
"oh, then who ate the candy bar?"
what could i say but laugh? 9 year olds are so cute.
when i was growing up and watching those triad movies, i use to think i wanted to have such power.
then seeing the gangs on the streets who would just brawl, fight spontaneously, and just "jump" one another ... on one hand i thought it was cool to have a set of people who'd always have your back no matter what. on the other hand, the amount of backstabbing, and the lack of style in which these executions were carried out failed to impress me.
i've never been part of a gang/triad/etc... but i've always felt that i was. how the hell is that?
if you asked me to pinpoint who was a member and who wasn't, i'd be clueless. but whenever i needed something ... and when it counted, it was done. this sort of loyalty is rare to find, and just how did i get so lucky? my rims were stolen ... 3 out of 4 ... who the hell steals 3?? in less than a week, i had them replaced.
this strange guy wouldn't take a hint, and just a few words later i got one last letter from him and hadn't had to deal with him ever again.
of course, all this was just high school. i'm sure friends just took a stroll down the street one day and stole the rims right off another car ...
the strange guy? friends just told him i had a really jealous bf from the rivalling school.
by the time i "grew up" i thought organized crime was only in the movies. but am i really this naive? even with all that i know and have seen/felt i still manage to not believe ... i'm not just talking about the recent events of WTC and the Pentagon, but personally i've already learned there's more to a person/place/thing than meets the eye. i'm not making much sense, am i?
when you look at
whether it's a higher power that watches over me, or i simply have really good friends in the world, all that i've ever asked for has always been answered, someway, somehow... it seems silly to have such faith in something i can't actually see, but when you've had countless "close calls"- who/what can i credit these miracles to, but to be grateful and keep counting my blessings. sounds religious? spiritual? *shrug* call it whatever you want, but i'm not a church go-er, nor do i have a set faith, but in the one i've created for me- "my god", if you will.
i don't condone acts of violence or stupidity, but i also can't deny moments of insanity and having the desire to hurt others. now this'll sound really strange, but i know why i don't get angry often or why my feelings are so in control most of the time. i learned very young that if i didn't control my temper, people i cared about (and even those i didn't care about) would get hurt. i'm very capable of making anything happen, it only takes a matter of time. creepy, don't you think?
to have this type of ... sensation? control? confidence? whatever u want to call it ... is powerful ... it's enabled me to walk the earth near fearless.
but has it? because i worry one day it'll get to my head and i'll lose it all.
for now, i just want to know ... how did i get so lucky? if it's luck at all...
or is money? money is very powerful ... money talks. it's a love-hate relationship with me when it comes to money.
friends ... loyal friends ... i really am lucky, aren't i?
they'd die for me, but i wouldn't ask that of them. but they'd kill for me, this i know.
yeah... so i like i said, i've never been part of a gang/triad ... but it's weird cuz i feel i'm part of one and i don't even know it.
i sleep through all of this... incredible crazy what is happening. during the gulf war i wasn't affected- not phased at all being that it was happening overseas and no one i knew personally was involved. i went through each day as if it were any other day.
but this ... however unbelievable ... i can already feel the the effects from seeing all my friends/family online when they should be at work or even in school ... from la, to sf, to sac, san jose, washington, michigan ... it's strange seeing the world just halt all together. it hasn't quite hit me that this is quite real since i just woke up and heard the news. i'm sure once i walk out of my room and turn on the tv, it'll be much to take in. strangely enough, it seems this time the affects are much more feasible to me than the war ever was. looking outside my window i already sense a change in how i view the world today ... walking outside- now there's a sense of anxiety i didn't expect to feel. it looks normal and safe enough ... but i certainly don't feel secure or protected.
i don't have a particularly good feeling over any of this (who would?)... like we're about to lose something ... as if we haven't already lost enough. all my heartfelt condelences to those victims and the families thereof ...
can't sleep... why brown eyes?
there are certain songs that just really touch me- igniting overwhelming feelings i thought only exist in fictatious romances and fairytales. it's like heaven. and it makes me long to find that someone i can fall so deeply in love with, believing that i'll never stop loving him. i cried when i first heard both those songs too... i can't say many songs do that to me.
but yeah ... too many tears have fallen, and i haven't told you why yet.
well, first it's because of an overwhelming feeling of joy ... so much happiness that it just overflows in the form of tears ... then the tears become a painstaking longing for something i miss, and wondering when and if i'll ever feel such sweet tenderness ever again. and then there times i wish i could simplyjust feel again.
i suggest reading the first part to this chapter if you read nothing else prior to reading the conclusion. it'll might make more sense...
chapter 5, conclusion.
i guess grown ups can be blind to what goes on behind closed doors, or very trusting and think nothing of it. i know i didn't think much of it, not for a long time. it seemed innocent enough, the back rubs, the facials, and the nightly massages i'd give to aunty. she'd changed her clothes in front of grandma, so i thought nothing of it the first time she asked me to wash her back as she bathed. it was more a nuisance than anything ... i remember vaguely the first time she asked me to set her bath water running for her, and then she gradually asked me to wash her back, and eventually to stay and chat with her in the bathroom. it became part of my nightly chores ...
during the day i'd take her messages when she was gone, i'd fold her clothes, tidy up her room, but the worse came when she was home- i had to fetch her a tissue or 2 when she needed to blow her nose, and then fix her a hot bubble bath, scrub her back, keep her company while she bathed, and when it came time for bed- the massages. 15 minutes minimum every night ... often half hour to an hour.
sometimes i'll close my eyes and i'll still see the dimly lit room ...her body sprawled out before me ... first her shoulders, and her neck. she'll tell me to squeeze harder, to use my thumbs, apply more pressure- not to pinch ... i remember it all. her arms, her fingers ... down her spine, buttocks, thighs, legs, feet... oh the feet. pinch the callouses, bend the feet ... and she'd reach over with her hands and pop my toes, and it'd hurt, but she'd laugh.
i hated it so much and there was nothing i could do. i was so small... i was so weak.
there would be times i'd cry, and grandma would come running and she'd yell for a little while at her- "what did you do this time?" ... "why are you so awful to her?"
sometimes grandma would take my hand and lead me away ... but for how long will i be safe? cuz then there would be tomorrow night and the next and the one after that ...
i remember in the fourth grade, i don't know why i remember this year, but i was studying for a social studies exam or trying to do my homework and as usual i'd have to wait until after everyone's asleep to do my homework... luckily by this time, aunty b was about 20 and went out more- i don't know where she'd go, but it didn't matter too much as long as she wasn't home. there were times i wasn't fast enough to get into bed to pretend i was asleep when she'd come home, and naturally- like basic instinct it was to the bedroom to give her her nightly massage.
i must've grown accustom to it by now.
i didn't know it wasn't wrong then ... but how could i? my parents knew i hated being there when *she* was there ... they just HAD to have known. they're my mom and dad. but what did they do? what could they do? so they did nothing.
understand that by them doing nothing, it translated into 2 things for me: 1) they didn't know how much i was afraid of aunty B (unlikely)... or 2) they knew, but saw nothing wrong with it ... besides, i did say aunty B was more like a older sister to me than anything and isn't it normal for older siblings to torture the younger ones?
*deep breath*
then one day ... i don't remember if she invited me in or how it began. but she was naked under the sheets- no biggie. she almost always slept in the buff. and i don't know how i got in there beside her ... but i did as i was told.
my eyes closed, i put my head under the blanket and did as i was told...
it happened only once, at least i hope i'm not mistaken. to this day i can never forget the darkness or the heat under the covers and wanting out, but too afraid or not afraid enough. i was too conditioned to do as i was told and believed no one would believe me or help or cared... i was only a girl, an ugly one at that ... without talent or potential, and at this point, without a friend in the world to call my own.
one day i snapped... i don't know how, why, or what ... and this is where i get confused.
i walked in once on my aunty masterbating, another time she was watching porn ... i snuck in some time later and found her dildo. curious and appalled at the size i couldn't imagine how one could fit it where i knew it went. i turned it on and watched it whirl and buzz, my god it frightened and intrigued me. i put it back, feeling dirty. i turned on the porn, feeling guilty for the feelings i had felt, unable to explain the feelings i had felt...
i'm older now and realize i'm not the only one to have had felt these insecurities, to have had these questions and come up empty handed because there was no one to turn to... but you ever have scars and not know where they've come from? i've blocked out much from my memory because it's the only way i learned to deal... and now these scars have stories to tell, but no story teller to tell me how they got there. i can only piece things together...
i once watched an episode on tv (i won't tell you which one, because quite frankly i'm embarassed enough as it is) ... and behind closed doors i mimicked the make out scene with a blanket and had my first orgasm before the age of 10. my heart raced, my breath quickened and i was clueless as to what was happening to me... i only knew that primal instincts wouldn't let me stop until i exploded...
i beared such guilt for years ... believing i was abnormal- that i was a freak.
i tried asking mom about sex once and she rashly told me "that's what i send you to school for." and that was it.
and after having been caught playing doctor, their reaction made me feel so ashamed ...
i reached my breaking point sometime around 11 (give or take 2 years- i know that's a huge difference when you're young, but really... those years started to blend together) when i stood in the kitchen with a knife to my wrist. having been rejected by every one i've ever known, without a friend, having been shamed, and feeling ashamed and guilty for things i didn't know were normal, abandoned and all alone... an ugly child, i was ... nothing i ever did was good enough and nothing i could do made my parents proud; my parents made that very clear to me ... my mother was always depressed (reasons unknown until way later), and my parents always fought...
the only person i would've missed and believed would've miss me was my grandma. tell me, what reason did i have to live?
but i couldn't do it. i failed even at that. i couldn't make that cut in time. the garage door opened, my dad came home, and i didn't want to be partially dead when they arrived cuz then they'd try to save me... and i didn't want to live only to face another shame. and if they didn't try to save me, i didn't need reaffirmation that i didn't matter.
well, this doesn't matter anymore- i lived.
and there's one more scar i have to overcome ... i'm jumping ahead, but if i don't tell it now.. i may never get it out, and i need to.
by the end of the 9th grade i went out with a guy for about a month. he was my first boy friend, and he gave me my first kiss. now, probably like most girls, i dreamed of a magical and memorable first kiss. it was memorable alright- although you wouldn't believe how much i'd like to forget it. i'd beem fremch kissed on the school quad bench and it felt like a slimy lizard trying to get into my mouth... definitely not magical. i swear i thought all kisses would be like that and now i understood why girls screamed when having sex, if it was anything has icky as that kiss.
then i met my 1st love in the 10th grade. it took us 2 ... maybe 3 months to convince each other it was ok that we dated. after our first date of watching beauty and the beast, and time came for us to part ... he gave me a simple, soft kiss on the lips and it was unbelievably amazing- the way my first kiss should've been. the fireworks, the hot tingling sensations that shoot up and down your spine ... and so much more; he made me feel so safe... he was so undemanding; gentle; patient; sweet; and it was perfect. but we argued and fought so much over the silliest of things- we only broke up a bazillion times before we finally ended it near the end of the school year.
he was the first person to make my spine tingle from the simple act of holding hands... and he'd be the last.
that summer i went out with timmy. yes, we'll call him timmy. i was timmy's first girl, so i used that as an excuse for his lack of inexperience... for our first date, we rented exorcist and watched it at his house... i gave him a kiss, expecting it to be a short and sweet one. he reciprocated, wanting more. i remember thinking that it was very wet, and he was moving too fast for me.
"don't you think we should finish watching the movie?", i asked.
"we should make the most of the time we have left." and continued to kiss me.
and it was always like that thereafter, "making the most of time we had together" ...
we talked about it later that night on the phone, and he apologized for getting too excited, i suppose. he said he wouldn't do it again.
we met up on campus where he was taking summer classes and he'd find a place to just make out with me... (what happened to not doing this again to me??) i was beginning to feel like a piece of meat, but too afraid to say no. (what was wrong with me??), and again each time he'd tell me he's sorry and won't do it again. and like the fool that i was, i believed him- telling myself he's just not experienced and doesn't know better.
you're probably thinking, why didn't i just leave him? and that's a wonderful question ... the stupid answer would be, because i promised him i wouldn't leave him. my first boyfriend dumped me and i remember how much that hurt; i didn't ever want to inflict that pain onto someone else, no matter how shitty they treated me... don't worry, my views have changed since then.
again, there was a breaking point. since i couldn't bring myself to leave him, i simply went numb and didn't feel all summer long. i let him touch me, whereever and whenever. i gave up trying to stop him. we were at the mall once and i thought being in a public place would deter his hands ... but he just found a wall to push me up against and fondle me. i don't think he noticed a single person that walked by that moment/day ... and to this day, i don't believe he cared that my dad was going to pick me up soon and might catch seeing his little girl being felt up.
in short, after timmy, i never felt the same about guys again. it was belief they all wanted one thing... and i was just too scared to say no.
it was so easy to turn my emotions off, i only wish i knew how to turn them back on as easily ... if i'd known the price i'd pay for not having found my voice sooner ... i'd have fought harder and fought sooner.
it's been 10 years since timmy, and about 20 years of enduring my aunt's cruel intentions ... it's been less than 4 years since i first spilled my hurt and pain out to its completion... and now i've pretty much beared it all here, again. it's terrible... i cry when i write about my aunt, but i get cold and hard when i write about timmy. to this day i still tense up when someone touches me- even something as innocent as holding my hands. i'll probably never forgive myself for not finding the strength to walk away then. and for the longest time i blamed myself for allowing him to do the things he did... but you know what, if you didn't do anything wrong, why did you apologize and promise me you woudn't again and again only to keep doing it to me? you must've known ... and i hate you for it. hate is such a strong word, but i do ... because of you i can't ever feel freely again.
as for my aunt, my only salvation is knowing i kept her from doing anything to my brother. my only regret is i didn't leave a deep enough scar on your face like you did on my heart- if i could take back that moment, i wouldn't have held back my punches. brother or no brother in the room, you didn't deserve any mercy, least of all from me. we may be cool now, but i can never, and i mean never truly forgive (tho' i've tried) or forget what you've done to me.
pray that i can sleep now... i've been up for nearly 24 hours ... i'll have to edit tomorrow, and hope i haven't said too much. naw... i hope i said it all. good fight, and good nite.
aiiight folks, it's almost 10pm and i'm heading off to bed. me so sleepy. it's been a helluva day on the eyes. they itch and hurt. *pout* but before i lay me down to sleep, i'd like to share with you a song that made me cry tonite... i'd explain, but i'm kinda tired.
oh, and i decided to link the first 5 "chapters" of my life on the left. it's the stuff in blue italics. some of the links in the archives are off - so i'll have to fix it another time. just not tonight. eyelids are droopy now.
i've been up since 5am... don't ask me why. but i couldn't go back to sleep. good thing too, i guess... cuz then i would've missed my call for a 2nd interview for my Catering Supervisor position on campus. woo hoo. ^_^
god, i hope i don't start to ramble during the interview cuz i'm soooooo damm tired. wish me luck.
I noticed that when i am excited/nervous/giddy/whatever- the result is the same: butterfly-in-the-stomach feeling; i say the stupidest things. last night during dinner i asked my honey, "Are you happy?" and he tells me, "I'm almost there."
i thought, "WTF? 'almost there', what kinda jacked up response is that?" and i said so, "what is that suppose to mean, 'almost there?'".
his turn, "are you happy?" i tell him, "i'm still stuck on almost there" so lets not talk about jacked up responses anymore since i'm very capable of giving them myself. lol.
dad is cool, mom isn't so cool. i think she's still upset from last week. whatever.
on a lighter note, my brother started the 4th grade this week. his first crush has moved =( awwww.... his second crush is not in the same class as he- again, awwww.
well you know how kids are, starting younger and younger these days? sleepy me decided to start THE TALK.
"have you ever heard of sex?" mind you he's 9... the conversation didnt start off as smooth, but eventually it turned to this:
"ok do you know what sex is?"
"it has something to do with a boy and a girl right?"
and i said, "right."
he goes, "how about you? you know everything huh?"
"well, i know alot, but not everything.."
"HOW do you know?" (oh lord, what did i get myself into?)
" am a lot older than you are. so i've HEARD a lot of things.." good answer, no??
"yeah you look old, but i know your not that old." (gee thats a first...)
me: "uh... yeah thanks (i think) ummn, so yeah if you ever have any questions about (just say it milly, just say it!) sex... you can ask me. ok?"
him: "Can i ask my teacher?"
"of course."
him: "when did you learn?"
"in the 5th grade." (i learned sex ed you pervs... not ... never mind.)
and then we talked about drugs and if he'd ever use them, and he said no. and i'm thinking, "good, cuz i'd kick his ass.". me feeling akward? Noooo not at all...who said having the birds and the bees conversation with a young one is difficult? not me *nervous laugh*
oh yeah, and my grandma got mugged. but i'll leave that for another day.
10 minutes left to today... i really ought to be asleep, i'm sooo tired. but i'm up folding my laundry, catching the last few minutes of the Golden Girls and trying to get a blog entry in before the day's over. i said that already, didn't i? well, i'm sleepy- sue me. i had a productive day, and a productive day is always a good day for me! *grin*
i woke up early today- to exercise, to eat breakfast and to start my day. i even got out of the house by noon. that's a feat for me! i got ALL my bills mailed out today, filled up on Costco gas so i'll be ready to visit my baby this weekend, made some deposits to the bank (cha-ching!) and then made some cash withdrawals (boing goes the bouncing of checks i just sent...), got an on-the-spot interview for a Catering Supervisor position on campus (which looks promising), and made a call to Kelly Services (for back up) regarding my previous position as a Test Evaluator (i'll start in October, if all else fails- 2 thumbs up) ... either way, i'll be employed in a matter of weeks. to reward myself, i got myself 2 new beanies. Meet Classy and Cheery:
i even burned me a CD or two today, and finally linked the song for u. it's long, but i think it's worth it if you like 90s slow jams and mixes.
oh, and i should tell you that not everything was perfect today. i got to cingular just 2 minutes after it closed so i gotta go back tomorrow.
you know, i'm disturbed that i'll be taking over $1000/month pay cut from teaching to working in the field of catering/event planning. it'll be a full-time, full benefits position, but i'd make more working for the temp agency. how can this be? but i *do* dream of landing my Director of Catering position for some 5 star hotel or maybe a Event Coordinator of a top notch facility. and i just know i have to start somewhere. let's hope i won't be making hourly wages (too embarassed to tell you how much) for long (but i'll tell you this, i was making at least $20/hr before ... now i won't be even making half that ... what the hell did i earn a degree for?). can't wait till i'm on salary again.
