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7.2.2000 13:39 - rain. more rain. rain for a day and rain for a week. it's going to be a beautiful 4th of July. i can see that now. my friend erick says it's just like seattle in some ways. i'm not willing to argue at this point. i also love it though.i find solace in the rain. it appears in so much of my writing. the pattering on the rocks outside my window. the lightning piercing through the smoky black at night. the dingy greys and greens that dance on my walls in the evening. those dark blobs of shadow-matter that are cast from the windows onto the face of someone dear as they lay in my arms... ...absolutely drugged by the cool liquid, falling from a place i think you did. 13:35 - new tidbitsgot a break into the world of photography. father had an old professional Olympus OM2 camera. everything is manual on it. i had to teach myself the rudiments of professional photography in a half-hour. shudder speed. film speed. f-stop. advanced flash photography. b-lock. polarization. filters. multi-frame exposure. well i was able to do it - mostly. i tested the camera and the pictures came out beautiful. so great...on to black and white. i'm working through a 24 exposure role now. later on todya i'll probably head out into the rainy day in search of good shots. picked up a few new cds. ani difranco's dilate was one of them. ok, so it's this big feminist thing, some have told me. what some forget is that I've been called a male feminist. I don't know if I'd call myself a male feminist, but i'm all about respecting the female mind and what goes through it. i relate. i sympathize and empathize. more than many realize. i could write so much on it but it would never make sense. I also picked up the deftones' album white pony yesterday. i'm really pleased with that buy as well. 6.25.2000 16:08 - i'm currently taking scraps of random shit to begin compiling my next layout for the site. the plans i had...well they were great but i think they're going to fall through. i was going to take some cool pictures of yaël and make her into a beautiful image map. but the timeframe is simply not allowing. yaël will be gone in less than 19 days. July 13th or 14th she returns to Switzerland. who knows what else she'll return to as she doesn't talk to me much about her life there. it disturbes and even hurts me some, and i've told her this... but i guess some things will never change. i wish she didn't have to go. i wish she could open up to me. i know all of these tidbits seems like the red flag to some people who might read this. i just believe everything could be made to work out - if we weren't about to be seperated. for a very long time. i don't know when i'll see her again. i don't know if I will see her again. she says she'll come back and visit. she's talked about coming for my prom next year. but a year is a year and i feel as though things will change drastically after but a few months. i know her. i know her very well. i know that the things i love the most about her now, at my side, make me so afraid when she's far away for such time. things don't feel good. she knows how i feel about her. i just don't think she'll understand it for a long time. i'll scream it until i'm asphyxiating on my own breathlessness, and she still will not get it i think. well i guess i'll never really understand how it is that she loves me either. i have an idea, but she never opens enough of her life to me for me to get the hint from her own lips. i wish i didn't have to guess. i wish i didn't have pry. i wish i didn't have to hide the expanse of the knowledge i actually have. i honestly don't think i know her better than anyone ever has...i sincerely and truly do not think that. at all. i know it. 15:54 - i've been neglecting blogger and cranial fluid. blogger: i think it's just because i'm not in school and can't just take over a connected computer and right some mindless shit. the site: i've just ben busy. both: well, i use my dad's computer when he's at work so i get on whenever i can get on. it sucks. all the man does is plant his ass right here and play mahjongg all fucking day. and he bitches about wanting to lose some pounds... oh well.5.31.2000 13:07 - toilets. i'd like to talk to you about toilets. toilets come in many shapes and sizes. some are large and heavy ceramic ones. some are the small metal ones that are light enough to stick out of a wall. some have tanks and some have good plumbing. the coolest toilets are the ones at my school, i think. they're the white ceramic kind with no tank that stick from the wall. what's really neat about these commodes is their incredible ability to suck. they don't suck ass (thank gods). they just suck. hard. you ever see those YardMan or whatever they're called tree mulcher/shredders? you stick the branch in there and it just swallows it whole and spits out nice, high quality mulch? well the toilets at my school are like that. you could stick a whole damn sequoia trunk in the bowl, and safely flush. the floor may rattle and your ears might ring afterward from the jet-engine-like sswwoooooooosssshhhhhhh from the little, tiny hole. but by and by, that log is goin' down! i was bored one day in class. so i went to the bathroom to blow my dripping nose. i had a bad cold. i had to use the bathroom sandpaper to blow my nose because there wasn't any left in the classroom. that stuff isn't much safer for the general welfare of your nose either, but hey. it got me out of class. ANYWAY. i went into the stall to flush it because the janitors stole the garbage can. i flushed and was amazed at the power the toilet displayed before me. wide eyed, i gathered my blundered senses and grabbed the roll beside me and pulled. i unwound a rather large wad of TP and promptly threw it in the bowl. then for added effect, i strung a streamer of that grainy shit-paper out the stal and across the floor. then...i reached for the flusher. what i experienced next was the 8th fucking wonder of this green earth. the wad promptly was sucked from the bowl, along with light itself creating a black hole. at least that's what i saw in my amazed state of mind. then the streamer got the current and began it's work. across the floor, around the cubicle support, and past my foot. two wisps of smoke later, it was gone. the bowl was filling up for the next round of awsome sucking. why does this fascinate me? how bored do you get in school? that's what i thought. maybe i'll post some more antics of mine in the name of boredom. i'm bound to have them, even in the last week of school! after all, i will be an usher at gradgitation this year... *evil grin, writhing hands* 08:56 - new piece. click on festering in my own old illusions on the broken torso page to get it. long, and you've been warned about disturbing content. but then isn't all of this just sweetly, non-discreetly disturbing? also made two submissions to jaime's quest for material to post. the new one and torn sheets. i hope she'll find them useful. just have to send her the html's.5.30.2000 12:51 - do you know what the E3 convention is? here's the story of a couple of guys who went to the E3 convention, and the tale they brought home. 10:09 - oh yeah, for the record - macbeth isn't a bad piece to read of shakespeare's. 10:08 - i picked up the a perfect circle album, Mer de Noms on sunday. every song i've listened to is great. usually there's a few songs i could do without on an album, or that could be done better. it's just so original and new. maynard's voice goes into the group well and billy's music kicks the ass right around. go buy it dammit. 5.28.2000 05:28 - my fucking blogger journal is acting up again, ignore this entry. 05:26 - i met a person online tonight... she's from alaska. sweet girl. made me think of a lot of things, and she really reminded meof myself in a lot of ways. she often knew exactly what i was talking about. manda, if you read this, take care of yourself girl! just thought i'd mention her a little bit in this sweet little journal `o mine. good night. 5.26.2000 09:51 - i had a crazy dream night before last. so strange... i can't make heads or tails of it and all i feel is guilt. i never remember my dreams. i'm almost convinced that I do not dream. so i feel a guilt because the one time in a long time that i remember dreaming it's a dream with unexpected actions with unexpected people. all i ever want sometimes is to dream. i should have known better than to dream such rubbish bullshlt. should have known that when i did dream it would be something i shouldn't even think about in my waking days. sick of sleeping silence. sick of sleeping nightmares. ...may i curl up next to you? will you sentry my slumber? 5.24.2000 10:16 - loudawg got me the tool: undertow cd. hehe, i feel good now. and for the record: mr. croze, my alg teacher, is a fucking prick. he's god damn senile if you ask me. tries going off in front of the whole class about how i must have been picked on as a child and crap by siblings. dick... 5.23.2000 13:18 - another update on the stinky meat project: THEY HAVE A T-SHIRT!!!!!!!! my friend brad and i are seriously considering investing in some... it's sort of funny, because i had gone back to find an email, asking if i could use a picture to make my own t-shirt. then there it was! superbly sick. 5.22.2000 23:49 - oh shit, i actually looked through the whole stinkymeat project, laughing my ass right off...along with my mother. i might have to try that little project sometime...hmm........ 23:32 - I don't think they are on to me yet - but to be safe, I am running over some excuses in my head in case I need to use them. "I was just walking through your yard, and happened upon this plate of meat." 23:26 - oh, stinkymeat is great! it's disgusting, actually it's blatantly sick, but it's hilarious at the same time. i don't know what to say. who woulda thought, the life of meat...and those with les of lives who follow up on it. 00:45 - the new layout is up...sorta rough but it's up. now i'm thinking about a digital photography project i'm planning. involves a model though - and i think i have my girl. ;-) we'll see how it goes when i get there. let me know what you think of the new layout.5.19.2000 09:28 - started on the new layout. absolutley and splendidly twisted. should be up in a few days...it's taking me a while. kinda hard when you play cyberstrike all hour i guess. :-) oh well. 5.18.2000 23:30 - i plan to get started on a new layout for the site...as much as i hate to depart with the one i have. i'll think of something, i'm sure. any ideas? 23:28 - a perfect circle releases their first album this tuesday, the 23rd. i plan to pick that up, with the help of trading in my KMFDM: Xtort album. (i never listen to it anymore). i also picked up Switchblade Symphony: The Three Calamities today as well... it's definately an ok album. seems almost portis head meats anne rice to me in a way. but i like it. 10:06 - I found this phone number on a website, i think it was raine's, but it was hilarious. i'll have to put it up sometime when i have the piece of paper i wrote it on. something about a tobacco company, i don't know. i'll keep you posted. 10:00 - When I sat down, she stood up, And walked away. When I fell down, she recovered, And limped away. When I tripped up, she picked right up, And carried forward, away. And then I died, she 'felt' Holiness, Rose above the thorns I lay dead in. Well now I've risen, and she blunders in her downfall, I care not about her whine, Some say the end is near. Some say we'll see armageddon soon. I certainly hope we will cuz I sure could use a vacation from this. Ænema, from the album Ænima by Tool 5.17.2000 14:12 - crazy. i don't know what that was. just sort of came out of my fingers, spilled out somehow. i'm really curious about this new group known as a perfect circle. anyone know what sort of music it is? i'm guessing it has some metal influence, and guarantee it'll have good lyrics - maynard james keenan of tool is the lead singer, or appears to be. i need to find an album if one has been released, or try to get to their music samples when i'm at home some time. all i know is that they're opening at a lot of nine inch nails' shows. curious...am i...... 14:08 - bored again. digital thoughts with digital images, scanning over my retinas. and where am i? distortion in my ears, laced with lovely lyrics, lulling my looney thoughts...such a sick cartoon painting on my synapses. 5.16.2000 14:13 - also...just sitting here in thoughts: i see this girl... the sun graces her skin, deep in the gritty brain, and { i n n i } 14:09 - one of these nights i need to confiscate my mother's laptop - or resort to pen and paper again - and get my skinny assless ass to lucky dog to finish up on my new piece and section for the page. this also means i should get it into gear and get a camera to take the pictures for it. but i'll also need a model...i don't like to use other peoples' "carnal" photos.well maybe not so "carnal," but i do want some body shots. something...erotic. (hint hint, as to the new section's content...*grin*) who could possibly know where this twisted mind will lead this twisted individual that i am. we'll see you through the lense. 5.15.2000 19:52 - oh yeah, i've really gotten into my new reiki book. it kicks ass. showed me a lot of new perspectives on a lot of new things...even religion. seems modern day christian orthodox may have covered up the 'fact' that Jesus actually was a cool schmere afterall. apparently he survived crucifixion, and headed off to the east, as in tibet and india...i don't remember exactly. maybe i'll post a passage soon. anyways, he may have survived through an ability we now called Reiki, and went around healing people. i don't remember, i've forgotten the details of that part of the reading. but maybe everyone knows the basic of all that mumbo and i'm really a moron. either that or i already have you lost. probably the latter... 19:47 - updated louis' link to his page just now. he just transferred to netcolony and is starting the page over. it's got little now, but i dunno, check it or some funky jazz like that. shit, where's akashana. she said she might be reachable tonight...don't know where she is. guess i should make some phone calls. |
